Efforts

The other day as I was running out the door to my second work shift of the day, I began praying out loud - or rather, yelping.

"Lord - bless my efforts!"

I had just finished dumping a scoop of food into the dog's bowl, and was slamming the door locked behind me with a coffee mug and teaching material spilling out of my arms when I realized what I had blurted out to my Creator.

As I turned the key in my ignition and looked around at the state of my endearing car - full to bursting with damp backpacking equipment, field guides, my rubber boots, and my lunch container, I began laughing out loud.

I knew I was running like a chicken with my head cutoff - I knew when I sealed my calendar fate of working 7-day weeks for 3 weeks straight that I was probably going to hit a point of insanity. But it was my pitiful prayer that got to me.

So as I started my commute, realized my gas tank was almost empty, and that I was wearing chicken socks and sandals to go teach a class at a college, I started laughing even harder.

Lord bless my efforts 

When I first said those words I felt desperate.

In the face of what felt like complete chaos, I subconsciously acknowledged that all I had to offer my condition was my best effort. All the plans I had made for that day had either not gone as planned or not fully formulated into concrete plans at all. I was faced with the reality that I had a million and one things to do, and a million and one reasons why all of them probably wouldn't work out.

But in that moment of all-out belly laughing as I hustled down the freeway, all I knew was the overwhelming presence of Jesus reminding me that He wasn't going to quit carrying me.

I have been on quite the journey with Jesus the past several months.

My own health* has been one thing that has marked my path as of late. There were many days this summer when I physically couldn't get out of bed - days that I labelled myself as weak and incapable and wondered about how I could hold a normal job - carry on with a normal life.

Jesus said "let me carry you."

And I said "No. I can do it on my own."

There would be good days, and then another bad day would hit, and Jesus would again say, "I love you! Let me carry you, please."

For some reason (I'm not stubborn at all...), I believed that I had to carry all the weight of my circumstances on my own - that accepting help like that was giving up or showing weakness.

I finally realized that that was exactly what I was: weak.

When I finally realized that, I finally allowed Jesus to carry me.

Essentially, I realized that the only thing I had to offer was my efforts. Ahem.

It was in THOSE moments, lifted above the chaos and darkness of my circumstances where I could rest and abide, that I was able to see HOPE and JOY and the ways He was working in my life without me even lifting a physical finger.

It was in THOSE moments, wrapped in His arms, that being weak made me feel stronger than I ever had before. Because when you realize that the strongest One in the whole world is the one fighting for you, you no longer hold the belief that you have to prove yourself - that you have to charge into an impossible battle with one arm tied behind your back and a blunt kid's sword in your arthritic hand.

He has proved his strength and provision to me

OVER
and
OVER
and
OVER again.

I have watched as he turned circumstances upside down just to give me the exact things others and myself needed.

Right now,  I am living in a space surrounded by circumstances that lend me health and wellness. I miss Seattle. I miss the people and the friends and the work there more than I could ever say. Nothing about leaving that city or the relationships built there was part of my plan for myself. But guess who knew what I needed far more than I did?

THAT is why I started laughing on my chaotic commute the other night. Not because I was ironically grimacing at whether or not I was going to get to my class on time, or if I would even be able to form more than 2 sentences when I got there, but because I knew it would ALL be OK.

I knew it would all be OK because the One who made me possesses the strength for much more than efforts, and doesn't require anything other than my heart.

He will bless my efforts.
He will bless yours.

Let Him carry you, the view is much better.

{4Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing...9As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. 11These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. John 15:4-5, 9-11}




*Although some days still feel like an uphill battle, my health only continues to improve, and is not life-threatening in the least. <3